I’m sorry, it’s been so long and then I’m going to go emo on you.
Joy Division playing? Check.
Lights down? Check.
Moping like a petulant teenager? Been there, done that, reserving that right for the future. Not today.
So instead of the usual geekery and complaining about technology, or movies, or even posting pictures from Comic Con, I’m going to drag things down a bit. But writing it all down always helps, and if I publish this, I’ll surprise myself. Still, lets try to codify those thoughts into something coherent.
What’s the problem? I kinda got punched in the heart. It’s why I so rarely make the effort. But when I do, the person in question is always worth the attempt. To me at least. You don’t like her? Well, SCREW YOU! I do…she’s awesome.
However, to clarify, I wasn’t really punched in the heart, even metaphorically, and the person in question is above and beyond just merely worth the effort (to me, YMMV). Here’s an effort to apply logic and reasoning to an universal experience that defies logic and reasoning. I just got FriendBoxed is all. Put in the Friend Box. Sadface. But it’s her call, can’t force anyone into anything. Hey, there are worse boxes to be in, like the HeyHere’sThatRestrainingOrderJustForYouBox. Nobody wants that box. Ever.
Who is this? No names ever, but she is a very nice and sweet person…and popular. Sweet Jebus is she popular. Friend of a friend and I wouldn’t have even know of her existence if it wasn’t for an offhand comment made by the friend in Twitter (and for that, even after all this, I owe this person considerably). Tweeting leads to being intrigued, and then boy did I crush hard on this person. Oh, and curse the fact that time and space is not mine to master and that there was a not-insigificant amount of miles between the two of us that made meeting in the real world difficult for this former part-time farm boy (and I really wanted to meet her – and there did begin my spiral into madness). After considerable effort and air travel I was finally able to meet her. Twice. Ish. Gather ’round, here’s the story:
The first time was right after watching something she was involved in. I didn’t actually go and introduce myself. My official story is that I was shuffled out of the room before that was possible. Bald faced lie. I had been up since 3 that morning with a little bit of sleep on a plane and was feeling more Christian de Neuvillette than Cyrano de Bergerac. In fact, I was downright overwhelmed within the moment. She is stunning in person and needless to say, lovely. But it’s not just looks. It’s the whole package – clever, creative, funny, intelligent… This can be tricky, trying to put the ephemeral into words – you run the risk of sounding shallow. Perhaps the best way to say it is that she is this wonderfully dorky individual with a set of interests that in many ways closely mirrors my own. Not completely, but some core interests are almost in lock step. Have you ever just seen someone and just kinda know something deep down, but wasn’t sure what? Yeah, it was like that. The way to express it to the other and be sure it’s genuine, oh and be cool about it? – that’s the trick.
And thus began a weekend of 1) snapping the hell out of it (because you can’t live your life looking like a lovestruck, moon-faced idiot, and a good nights rest after a good deal of travel is always smart – especially if you want to at least try to be coherent when you do become lovestruck) and 2) trying to find her again to no avail. Fortunately, friend comes to the rescue for the second, but first real encounter with her live and in person with a dinner invite where I managed to to be lucky enough to somehow sit at her side and due to the high levels of ambient noise was probably leaning in far too much to try to hear her talk. Unfortunately, I may have also been monopolizing her time at dinner as well. But I only had an hour and here I am, luckiest guy on the planet sitting next to someone I’ve wanted to try to talk to for weeks, and I may have come across as a dullard inexplicably. Especially since there was so much I wanted to talk about and I could only fumble out so many things, and wanted to talk more. So may topics, so little time, and had I been allowed to continue had she not been pulled away I honestly fear it would have turned into “Oh! You like that too?! I love that!” and I would have sunk deeper and deeper. A piss-poor excuse and I do apologize for that.
If I have a frustration, and I think I do, it’s borne of conversation – lack thereof. Yeah, we’ve kinda Twittered back and forth, but owing to her very busy, busy life, the only time I’ve really talked to her was once, and it was great. I wanted more of that. I certainly wasn’t going to (seriously) break out a ring and ask her to marry me. I kinda just want to talk to her, really. I liked it. Ya know? The problem is that circumstances make it difficult.
Another problem is, well, there are lots of me (i.e. fanboys) and not lots of her (i.e. fangirls). This can bring up lots of other issues as well that I can’t even conceive of and hope like hell I didn’t visit upon her (and fear that I may have, at least partially). Her private life and relationships are really none of my business of of course. I’m not in that box so to speak. Remember – FriendBoxed and I’d never dream of seriously prying into that. If she lets me in one day, honestly, I’d be over the moon. The thought of her – the thought of someone like her actually being out there – brings a smile to my face (like her, but beyond the fangirlishness, it’s difficult to explain). Even if nothing ever happens and I go to my reward having been in the FriendBox, I got closer than some, most really, and I think I’m a luckier guy for it. This is someone totally worth the effort and then some, but knowing where to direct that effort appropriately is the trick, and sometimes that effort is for naught. Know when to hold ‘em…know when to fold ‘em…
I think I just hit the nail on the head. It’s not that I’m madly in love – how could I be? That isn’t rational on any level. I’ve only spent a total of 1 hour with this person and have talked to her on Twitter. I can say I’m attracted to her. Almost deeply so (and even then, that’s sorta dangerous to claim). That is certainly true, and she is very aware of this. Embarrassingly aware (more for me than her, I hope). Well, I tend to wear the heart on the sleeve a bit too much at times anyway. But despite my best (?) effort, I got FriendBoxed. Fair enough, and there was certainly a good deal working against me. Distance to say the least. But she is only an hour away by plane, and at rather reasonable rates if you book well in advance. But it’s her call, and naturally I’m going to respect that. So after a particularly weird weekend I am backing the hell off from trying to pressure her into dating…and that I even come to a realization that I was trying to pressure her – I do apologize. Not how I wanted to come across.
Hell, be honest, she doesn’t know me from Adam, and vice versa. Why would she even be interested in some guy from Oregon who sends her messages on Twitter?
Well, my natural charm I’d hope.
The thing is, like I said, and now keep repeating it seems (I must have finished the lap, time to get ready to pull over and end this), I really want to talk to her to get to know her better. A bit beyond “She likes Godzilla” (and what right minded person doesn’t like Godzilla, really?). It’s tricky via Twitter and infrequent emails – and again – especially with (as mentioned) her busy schedule. I’m that voice in a chorus and I was trying to stand out for attention, so maybe (definitely) I got a little more desperate, a little more pestering, and well…it sorta spirals out of control if you don’t watch yourself. At minimum you look like a fool. My advice, which I don’t think I followed very well: don’t do that. Puts out the wrong impression you know.
But she’s intriguing, and I like that. Non-ingruiging people are so boring. She is the exact opposite of boring. I could go on listing adjectives in a futile attempt to again, define the ephemeral or mysterious and intangible, but that also sets the object of affection on a pedestal. A very special pedestal that you don’t want to use. When you use that pedestal, and the time comes for a fall, it’s usually the person who put the other up on the pedestal that takes tumble. Maybe after spending some time I won’t be as enchanted and like adults we can deal with it (hopefully, emotional states can be tricky). It is an unknown variable that would be swell to explore.
So here is a list of what I want:
1) A zillion sky miles that never expire that I can redeem for travel – it doesn’t even have to be first class.
2) A Xanax milkshake to calm the frack down.
3) Time and a proper opportunity to get to know this person and talk to her and be friends. If something comes of it – that’d be awesome. If nothing comes of it except friendship…that would be awesome also. Because this person is, and I will say this publicly, pretty damn special. I just get that feeling she is – thanks to the mystery of brain chemistry that triggers these sorts of responses. I don’t care who she works for, I don’t care who she knows (save for the people we mutually know), it doesn’t matter. It’s who you are and the end of the day that really matters.
Odds are #1 is out of the question, and like I said, it isn’t that expensive for this particular flight. #2 would probably make those around me pretty happy as well and I’m a little surprised (and a touch disappointed) that they haven’t snuck it into my food already. #3 is something that I sincerely hope can happen. Somehow. Today is not going to be that day. I accept it. Maybe one day.
Was that emo, or did I apply logic?




